One more on the current train of emotion.
She said, “I hate that this always…”
He hears, “100% of the time?” and thinks, “That can’t even be true, and let me generate counter-examples to falsify this claim.”
BUT what she means is, “I’m frustrated in having to deal with this so often.”
Spot the difference? There are two different conversation contexts going on: one is intellectual, the other is emotional. Man, being the blunt, problem-solving instrument he is, goes toward intellectually solving the problem, which is obviously her incorrect thinking. Woman, being the more sensitive (sensible human) of the sexes, is conveying an emotional meaning, not a math problem.
So when you start doing math in a literature class you’re being an idiot.
Solution: Men, get over yourselves and get to the direct emotion. The dumbed-down work of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT and all its trite variants) has done a disservice to what it actually means to be a human. With its pervasiveness in the therapy world, we’re programmed to continually monitor and correct our thinking, the intellectual aspect of life. This is great news for men as far as a comfortable way of navigating mental hardships. Horrible news as far as being a good partner. I, myself, am a recovering CBT’er. Sure, I still use it, but like enjoying good scotch, it’s done responsibly.
What we should do is listen for the key words indicating guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, anger.
The task is to stop. Consider not what an effective counter-example would be, and the myriad ways what she said is completely off base, but instead ask yourself what is the emotion being conveyed? And respond appropriately to that. I’m doubtful that involves going back in the memory bank to dredge up the instances of there being a double standard. Nope, it involves the “unproductive” work of understanding someone else’s perspective.
Feelings of sadness and despair work similarly. She said, “Oh, if you can’t, it’s ok.” Men hear, “Cool, I don’t need to, I’m off the hook, she literally just said so.” What she might mean is, “I’m feeling lonely and would like to turn to you for support, but I’m hesitant to put that on you.”
Stop. Consider not that you can go on with your scheduled plan, but how best you can respond to your partner (provided you give a shit about something more than your plans).
In order to provide the wanted care, you need to understand not the cursory message presented, but the underlying feeling. Often this will not rise to the surface immediately due to surrounding feelings of embarrassment or guilt. Yes, feelings can be complicated and multi-layered. Men need not to be lazy and selfish, looking for a convenient way to avoid discomfort. We need to do better at working at our relationships.
It’s not always about getting from A to B. Sometimes A-and-a-half is the sticking point or even the point.
If hanging out in emotion-land is not helpful, then cool, move on. But don’t find yourself being that unaware dolt, filled with pride in your superior misplaced-intellectual prowess.
It will be lonely.