Expectations in a relationship (romantic, life partner, etc.), specifically misunderstood, misaligned, mis- or non-communicated expectations, are by far the largest contributor to relationship problems. I have no idea if this is empirically correct, but dammit if it doesn’t seem that way. Oh, sex and money? They are the surface manifestations of expectation.
There are expectations of the relationship and expectations of the individuals in the relationship (both of themselves and of the other). It should be obvious that less conflict will arise if the expectations of the relationship are known and agreed upon—I’m just going to assume my readers are expert relationship communicators, uber-capable of facilitating such outcomes with their partners.
Perhaps what gets missed is being able to distinguish relationship expectations from individual expectations. This post will cover the relationship aspects—the next, the individual considerations.
The relationship should have shared, agreed-upon expectations. There can be minimal expectations on the individual, based on their relation to the expectations of the relationship. BUT that is where the individual expectations need to end—or be mutually agreed upon as expectations placed on that individual above and beyond those of the relationship. If expectations of the other individual do not correlate to the relationship expectations, they run the danger of causing problems that cannot be easily reconciled. The relationship and its expectations must frame the individual expectations—but more on this in the next post. We’ll divide the relationship expectations into three categories.
Relationship Expectations:
Basic Expectations — These are unilateral and necessary:
1. Do no harm (intellectually, emotionally, physically)
2. Kindness
These are unilateral in that they don’t rely on active involvement from the other partner. One is doing and the other is not doing but receiving. Pretty damn simple. Necessary because, well, try to have a good interaction with someone while being a dick.
One of the keys here is genuineness. 1 and 2 cannot be just lip service or be avoided with a claim toward ignorance. They must each be intended and crafted for the overall good of the relationship.
Intermediate Expectations — These are bilateral and necessary:
1. Physical contact – affection
2. Intellectual contact – talking
3. Immediate practical considerations of life: Are you using the bathroom now? When will you be done so I can use it?
4. Short-term practical considerations of life: Are we shopping for groceries Wednesday evening or this weekend? What about the company picnic and fitting that in over the weekend along with needing to cut the grass? Are we planning for that trip this year?
5. Long-term practical considerations of life: How are we going to retire? How are we going to raise our children and care for our parents?
These are bilateral by requiring action from each partner. Necessary because without these, there isn’t much of a relationship, is there?
Here also is where we start getting into degrees of things. “How often” and “how much” questions begin to arise, adding some complexity to these expectations. Also, the need is created for open and honest communication in order to make agreed-upon decisions for items 1–5. Remember, if the conversation is not truthful on this very basic level, my god, you are setting up for catastrophe down the line.
It should be obvious the effort level increases with Intermediate Expectations (time, introspection—and voicing those thoughts and feelings, planning and executing, giving/receiving and incorporating feedback, all take up space).
Perhaps all of this effort needs its own category of expectation (or, wait for it, these might be slyly alluding to Individual Expectations). Speaking of increasing effort, let’s move along…
Advanced Expectations — These are bilateral and not necessary (but desirable):
1. Intellectual intimacy
2. Emotional intimacy
3. Physical intimacy
Bilateral because again, it takes two to tango. Not necessary because intimacy may not be an expectation of all relationships. It surely can be and often is in a “good” relationship, but relationships are fluid, changing systems—patterns, behaviors, etc. Some life/romantic relationships find intimacy in any or all of the three categories is not needed. And of course, the concept of “degree” plays here as well.
So along with the increased effort required with Intermediate Expectations, there is an additional heavy effort labeled vulnerability. Intimacy requires vulnerability.
A quick formula here is: vulnerability requires trust. What is the difference from the other expectations—which also rely on trust (and truthfulness)? Perhaps it’s the level of Trust needed. The more trust something requires, the less expressed expectation there can be of it when done properly.
Trust also closely aligns with freedom—freedom to be oneself.
When you are trusting and trustworthy, you can be free. This then allows intimacy.
This is seen in all levels of expectations. This is where intimacy expectations can take us from the practical and survival aspects of a life with another person to aspects more enjoyment-focused.
While there may be many ways to think about relationship expectations, an overall mindset of trust and change should be maintained. Trust in yourself and your partner enough to understand there are expectations (and that’s OK); and discussion, leading to mutual agreement of what they are.
Also, because life is anything but constant, it’s critical to understand that over time, relationship expectations may fluctuate and need to be revisited—yes, a maintained effort. If it hasn’t been said that a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint, it should have been.