Part II – What about the individual?
The main point here is that in a romantic/life partnership, individual expectations must be based on—or coincide with—relationship expectations.
When expectation conflicts arise, typically the individual expectation must be changed or discarded.
And this is only possible provided you’ve sufficiently hashed out the relationship expectations—otherwise ego is a bitch, and self-righteousness takes over.
Perhaps, then, expectations of the individuals should only be those that coincide with and support the expectations of the relationship.
And if they don’t, they should not be in place. It’s not exactly easy to understand how this pans out in practical, everyday life—only that when conflicts arise, it may be worthwhile to stop and think about the source of the conflict.
If it’s because one person is/was expecting something of the other, does this expectation relate to the relationship or to the individual? If it’s an expectation of the individual, then does it also mesh with an expectation of the relationship? If so, then OK—you’re on ground that has already been covered when you discussed and agreed on what the relationship means and what is expected.
If not, well—now we’re in new territory that needs to be mapped.
First question: is this expectation of the individual in conflict with any relationship expectations? Obvious example: one partner is upset that the other is looking at other members of the opposite sex (or same sex—???). Well, is there a relationship expectation that this violates? Perhaps it’s considered being rude or cheating. If not, it’s just this burdensome assumption that the looking partner should not be looking—an individual, and equally important, unexpressed expectation.
Here we have the key trigger words: “assumption” and “should not.” Why is it assumed this would be the case?
Has the looking partner stated or otherwise indicated that he/she will not engage in this behavior? If that was the case, is it reasonable to expect this behavior to continue indefinitely? Perhaps the offended partner believes this behavior indicates other, more intense behavior (cheating, wanting to cheat, loss of interest in the current relationship). Here we can see that the initial expectation is predicated on other assumptions. At this point, hopefully you recognize the multiple ways to begin conversations to sort through this.
So if this ‘looking’ situation is to resolve itself, it must be addressed as a relationship expectation. Do both partners agree this to be an expectation? If so—great, done deal. If not, then the negotiations must start. And talk can easily continue by following the underlying concerns or expectations that give rise to the behavior in question.
*The question “what about that?” is the adulting of a child continually asking “why.”
Mentioned above is a phrase I think is of utter importance: unexpressed expectation. So very often we craft things in our heads—how things should go, what our plans ought to be, what will constitute success, what will indicate failure. This is all fine if we’re going through life solo.
But when a partner is in the mix, all these expectations need to be considered with regard to that other person!
And if they are going to turn you into an ass-hat the minute the expectation is not met, you have a responsibility to express it ahead of time. Failing this, any blow-back or argument that ensues is your fault.
*And remember there is a whole mental progression from: thought > want > belief > expectation. Dial those individual expectations back a couple steps and watch your irritation disappear.
So… yes, this is work. Yes, get started when the next opportunity arises. And don’t be a dick. These conversations with partners will be emotional—duh. It’s stupid to pretend they can only be rational. But recognize the emotion and remain civil. Ideally, civility is one of those base relationship expectations!