Recently my clinical work has revealed some relationship behavioral patterns that prompted the title of this blog.
It relates to (potential) romantic relationships. I’m old school and so I’m going to refer to men and women and the dynamics between them. I have no idea if the same exists between men and men, women and women, and fill-in-the-gender and fill-in-the-gender.
The gist is that women’s behavior remains present, showing signs of being available for a romantic relationship. They flirt, they reciprocate communication, and in general, their behavior suggests they are interested and available for a romantic relationship. But they are not. This is not an indictment against genuineness or a discourse of intentional misleadingness. It’s more observational, less suggestive of motive.
And to be clear, we’re completely understanding of any reasoning the woman may have for not moving forward in a more formalized romantic way. In fact, we’re left with having to conjecture this very point.
Past trauma? Current stressful life circumstances including family dynamics or personal health issues?
A certain level of satisfaction or comfort of lifestyle that is not wanting to be threatened?
Any of these would be reason enough to keep a woman in a holding pattern. Yet, there remains a confusing, defining interest on her part for continued engagement with the persistent inkling of relationship progression, romantically.
So while all external indicators are suggestive that the man has a clear runway to pursue a relationship, there exists an invisible boundary.
This is the “not available” part. These women elude any actual ‘formalized’ date.
We all know the story, man and woman meet, there is a spark of interest that each recognizes. Situations develop to early flirtations (looks, suggestive smiles, slight physical touching, probing vulnerabilities). But after a sufficient period of this, when this man asked formally to go on a “date,” he was rebuffed.
This might be the end of it, but the woman continued to engage in the same (if not more) flirtatious behavior when they would see each other socially. And even suggested further get-togethers (just the two of them). But when approached again to formalize a date, the man was re-directed. This pattern continued for several months, leaving the man unsure of what to do.
How does he orient to her behavior?
Typically, he would accept rejection if that were the case, but it doesn’t seem to be. There is a push-pull dynamic of being “present” and engaging as if the woman wants things to progress, but a substantive “not available” reality prevents any actual progression.
There will be all the trapping of the budding romantic relationship, but there will be no formalization, no actual manifestation of that relationship.
*Of course, an important piece here is the subjective understanding that there is a romantic desire on both their parts. And yes, we’re inferring this from observations of the woman. But common sense leads us here and is a reality of the world (no need to dwell here—it’s not the point).
The confusion and frustration for the man is furthered by the fact that at a certain age the numbers of single (available) women are dismal for a single guy.
So now he’s left with limited other options which keeps him engaged in this troubling dynamic. There is an interesting calculator that takes a few demographics and calculates one’s potential matches as a percentage of the population. It may be eye-opening. And then consider if this blog is even somewhat relevant, what happens to that percentage?
…No plot, just episodic. When he shows up they do the scene…