Picking up from the previous post…
“Can’t we just discuss this rationally?” How many of us have heard, or more likely said, this, specifically to our partner? Well, stop saying it! It’s dumb and doesn’t make any sense. Here’s why:
Assuming we are talking about romantic or life partners, one of the main points of attraction and being with this person is emotionally based. Hopefully! Hopefully there is caring, passion, attraction, compassion, love—at a minimum, a regard for the other person’s wellness and betterment. Jeez, those all sound an awful lot like emotions.
So why should all these be abandoned in the pursuit of some combustible conversation that’s usually rooted in a difference of opinion or perspective? As we all know, often removing the emotion and distancing from each other further inflames the disagreement. For then there is reason to suspect the other person is not proceeding with care in mind.
By stating, “let’s just be rational,” you have just said: “I’m going to leave my care out of this conversation!” Well, that sucks.
Why would the other person want to engage in such an important conversation while not experiencing care? And ironic enough, when the situation is reversed, it bothers us as well (again, another emotion).
I mean, we’re not talking about your annual financial planner meeting or needed repairs to the car, but even those and, bloody hell, all mundane tasks like ordering food, getting medical treatment, grocery shopping—there is a minimal desire and expectation for care. Don’t throw up the macho bullshit wall here because, again, from the previous post, we DO experience emotions and want enjoyable experiences —at least enough to provide courtesy and friendliness. Why would we abandon these expectations with our partner??
I get it, two things can be held at the same time: care and rationality. The point is that there is not a binary option here as we gents like to think there is.
Holding care at the same time as rationality does not somehow magically diminish the rationality as we fear it might.
Relationships are indeed transactional. ALL things in life are trade-offs. There is a ‘give’ and a ‘get’ —relationships are no different. BUT…
This doesn’t preclude them from ALSO being emotional. It just means that if one party is not ‘getting’ from the relationship, that person has ground to raise concerns. We want to experience some form of benefit, fairness.
BUT we’re human and have the system complexity of wanting to enjoy that experience emotionally (get the point yet?)
So perhaps a better track with our relationships would be to request civility and limit the influence of specific emotions such as resentment, anger, guilt, and shame that can work to deteriorate a conversation. In other words, say, “can we talk about this calmly?” Or “…with kindness.” For some this may seem like just semantics, but it’s not. Calm and kindness help maintain, and prioritize, all the felt and shared emotions between both people and respect them.
Think about the last argument with your significant other. Now think how it would have been different if you kept reminding yourself how much and why you care about that person. This can shift the whole tenor of the conversation. Don’t be selfish.
Men generate the word “rational” as they often believe they can “win” an argument that way. And perhaps that’s true. The question then becomes, is that something of which you’re proud? Instead, take pride in respecting the relationship and the emotions of the relationship.
Be civil toward each other in your conversations. In doing so, you may very well elicit a similar tone in the other partner. Wouldn’t that be a nice change?! Instead of fighting fire with fire and veering down evidentiary paths of proof—YOU would be working TOGETHER, using the same map key to trudge ahead. A tit-for-tat strategy is rarely a good one. Richard Dawkins, in The Selfish Gene, makes a compelling case supporting the enduring strategy of cooperation; good luck with a rational counter-argument to his work.